Dear CCN: Love Advice

How do you avoid the friend zone?

 

K: The friend zone actually has thin borders. It can isolate you as “friends only” or it can be entry to something more. Test the waters by acting as more than a friend. Perhaps pay that person a little more special attention. If you’re worried about overstepping boundaries too soon, drop subtle hints such as expressing interest in taking them out. Take small steps away from friendship, and take their presence with you more seriously, and they may catch on. If you would rather just be bold, going in for a kiss usually breaks the friendship mold. Feel it out and see where to go.

 

F: Repeat after me: “Would you like to go out on a date sometime?” There you go, friend zone avoided! This infamous zone is actually less of a zone and more of a state of mind. What I mean by that is that if you got stuck there it’s because you didn’t want to leave in the first place. Let’s face it: you’re attracted to your friend, but you’re afraid that if you do anything you’ll lose her. It is a very tricky situation though, I’ll give you that. In the words of Fabio Posca: “from what coffee on did we become friends? The fifth, the sixth? Shit, she should’ve warned me. A coffee less and we’d be in bed.” The good news? It’s up to you, just pretend that the next cup of coffee is your last one before you get past the event horizon. The bad news? If you ended up in the friend zone you probably don’t have the guts to get out. Coward.

 

Does a hierarchy of cheating exist? Where does kissing fall?

 

K: Where kissing falls depends on where the relationship sits. For most people who haven’t gone past the first few dates mark, a kiss with someone else may not be considered a cheat, since both people seem to be open and unofficial anyway. If you’ve gotten to the point where dates and forms of intimacy are consistent, kissing could be crossing the line, especially once emotions are involved. The best way to know? If you’re into someone, talk to them about where you both stand and come up with your own hierarchy.

 

F: Yes, there is a hierarchy of cheating. I’ll give you a second to Google that word, go ahead. Ready? Good. Keep in mind that it’s comparable to the homicide offenses hierarchy where you have First Degree Murder at the top and Involuntary Manslaughter at the bottom; it’s a good way to figure out how much time you get in prison, but you can’t say to the judge “hey, I may have accidentally shot someone dead, but at least I didn’t torture them first!” To answer your question: at the top there is having a wife and three kids on the side, and kissing falls above openly flirting and below totally making out in the backseat of your Ford Pinto.

 

Why do people get back together with their ex?

 

K: Some believe people deserve a second chance or that ‘third time’s a charm’ exists. Other times ex’s should remain exiled. Sometimes couples break up because something needed fixing, and it personally had to do with themselves. Taking time off a relationship allows people to grow, and perhaps come back healthier than before. Other times, what’s broken ends up being a cycle of bad habits and incompatibility. It’s important to know the difference between the two. Was the relationship just bad timing, or all in all a bad match? Evaluate if trust can be regained and that both people are going for another round for the right reasons.

 

F: Because they’re stupid. No offense. If you broke up, there was a reason for it; you’re not Sally and he’s not Harry, (Google that one too). Just stay away from him. Unless you used the break up as a weapon to make him realize how much he’d miss you, and then he didn’t, and then you texted him, and then he texted back: “I’m so sorry baby, let’s get back together,” and then you did, and then that girl posted on his wall, and then you told him he was like, so mean, and then you asked me this question. In that case you’re fourteen years old and I don’t really care.