Unsponsored Content #1: 8 Secrets From the World’s Healthiest Man

Deep in the hull of an abandoned pirate ship in an underwater cavern off the rocky coasts of Maine lives Roger Hourings, the world’s healthiest living man. Hourings, the 1,034-year-old veteran of six foreign wars lives an ascetic life alone with his troupe of performing snails, his collection of pince nez glasses, and six unfinished novels — each over 3,000 pages long. Hourings has outlived each of his 25 children and 82 grandchildren by following a strictly regimented daily routine. Using a combination of theoretical physics and investigative tarot reading, CCN was able to track Hourings down to discover his secret to perfect health.

 

1) Practice healthy breathing

Breath is essential to life, and like every other part of the body it needs to be exercised to maintain its strength. According to Hourings: “I spend at least an hour a day blowing up balloons or inflating air mattresses.” But just like training with weights, an improvement can only be made if you’re being challenged. “About 200 years ago I realized my lungs were too powerful to become any stronger. So, I started choking myself with a belt, burning garbage in sealed rooms, and smoking a rich cavendish tobacco from a rosewood pipe in order to scar my lungs and throat to increase the resistance in my breath workout.” Today Hourings’ breath is powerful enough to blow out a candle from over a million yards away.

 

2) Have a balanced diet

At 6-feet even, 90-pound Hourings is an impressive creature of pure bone. In the 1960s, his special diet calcified all of his organs, muscles, and even his face — making him the world’s first human skeleton. The pressure from this process also caused his original skeleton to compress into pure diamond, and turned his skin into a friendly layer of pliable cartilage. What’s his secret? “Well, I don’t eat on Monday or Wednesday, on Tuesday and Thursday I eat nothing but raw animal fat, and on the weekends I make a soup from pine sap, eggshells, rattlesnake heads, and a pregnant woman’s urine.”

 

3) Mind your liquor

Alcohol is a preservative, as evidenced by Hourings’ impressive daily consumption of three bottles of his favorite spirit: Old Mammy Ulcera’s Kentucky Bourbon and Antiseptic. “It’s important never to drink any water,” says Hourings, “it’ll only take up space inside you that would better be filled with whiskey.” Hourings began drinking when he was a 3-year-old, and even served as a human still during Prohibition. He would consume corn mash and sit inside a furnace to boil, then go to his cave and ferment until the whiskey inside him was ready to be regurgitated for the likes of glamorous gangsters Al Capone and Pretty Boy Floyd.

 

4) Keep your friends close

Supportive relationships with your loved ones help you to manage stress and give you the safety net you need when life seems toughest. Nobody knows this better than Hourings: “My best friend in high school was a lad named Richard Walkweiner. We would do everything together, we were in the same hunting party, the same baseball team, the same neighborhood watch association. When it finally came time to graduate I knew I couldn’t lose him. So, we signed a satanic blood pact and fused our souls together. Obviously, my soul over-powered his because of my daemonic blood-line, and little Richard became another voice in the screaming choir of souls that still haunt my consciousness to this day.” Hourings then added: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” after he cut off his ear with a circular saw.

 

5) Catch some ZZZZs

We never feel more relaxed and at peace with the world than we do after a good night’s rest. Hourings, however, contends that peace and relaxation are the body’s way of telling you that it’s dying. Instead, Hourings developed a special helmet with butterfly clamps to hold his eyelids open at night so he can stare into the small flame of a lone candle and watch it melt to a stub while the rest of the world dreams soundlessly. The helmet also features a leather halter which prevents Hourings from grinding his teeth or biting his tongue during the waking nightmare hallucinations he experiences between midnight and 3 a.m..

 

6) Feel the burn

Hourings’ bone-muscles possess a legendary strength, unheard of by most fitness experts and personal trainers. He is able to bench press two split-level duplexes in 10 sets of 50 reps without breaking a sweat. Whether or not Hourings is capable of sweating is unconfirmed. Either way, his secret is to challenge the muscles with new exercises every day. “One day I swam across Lake Erie, another day I dug a hole that breached the Earth’s crust, another day I jumped on a trampoline… It’s just important to do something different every time. Honestly, the hardest part is coming up with new exercises.”

 

7) Watch your weight

When Hourings was born, after a bolt of lightning struck a sacrificial ox under a full moon, he had the same trim 90-pound physique he has today. “There’s nothing worse for you than yo-yo dieting,” explains Hourings “gain ten pounds here, lose ten pounds there — it’s all just part of the pathetic treadmill of time’s illusion of linear motion that keeps people from being happy and healthy.” Hourings recommends for everyone to maintain their birthweight as long as possible, no matter how tempting that chocolate cake or mother’s milk looks.

 

8) Get involved

Hourings says that nothing motivates him to maintain his healthy lifestyle more than helping others to achieve their fitness goals. Over the centuries he’s mentored millions of young men and women on the benefits of taking good care of their bodies. From Genghis Khan to Adolf Hitler, Hourings’ list of clients reads like a who’s-who of A-list Hollywood celebrities. But Hourings never gets starstruck: “All of the people I train are basically the same,” says Hourings, “I don’t care if you’re rich, or poor, or genocidal, or whatever. All I want is to help you to achieve your dreams — or rather for me to achieve my dreams through you, since part of the training involves the sublimation of your free will.”

 

For more health tips from Roger Hourings check out his book The Tome of Perpetual Blackness, available inside the burial chamber of the Temple of The Crying Phoenix in Portland, Maine. Or follow him on Twitter!