Mystic Milly’s Horoscopes


Aries, March 20 – April 20

Don’t worry if we get nuked: your earbuds with get caught on the doorknob that you’re shutting!

Taurus, April 20 – May 31

All Tauruses will find one abnormally long pube growing. it’s okay, just give other Tauruses the “pube wink.” They’ll know what you’re doing.

Gemini, May 31 – June 21

This is a good time to connect with friends, yourself, get grounded, and STFU about Game of Thrones.

Cancer, June 21 – July 23

When the server asks if you’re ready to order, your friends will say yes before you get a chance to say no! Ugh!

Leo, July 23 – August 23

That vegetable you found in your garden with devil horns probably meant nothing… on the other hand, it could be a bad omen? Hey, Milly just reads the stars – you gotta do the work, Leo.

Virgo, August 23 – September 23

Don’t trust any other horoscopes you read this month. This is the only true one.

Libra, September 23 – October 23

Good news: a celebrity will tweet at you! Bad news: it’s gonna be Donald Trump, and he’s gonna call you “sad!”.

Scorpio, October 23 – November 22

Feeling old? Try this out: store all of your clothes on your “floordrobe” and live like a true college student again!

Sagittarius, November 22 – December 22

You’re being haunted by the spirit of a white girl with box braids. She wants to know what “woke” means! Be careful!

Capricorn, December 22 – January 20

Score! You are so hot, your next date will have to wear sunglasses! They definitely aren’t hiding any puffy oozing conjunctivitis in both eyes, no sirree!

Aquarius, January 20 – February 18th

You’re being Catfished right now by 100 frogs. And the answer is YES, 100 frog brains do equal one human brain.

Pisces, February 18 – March 20

I am SO SORRY, but you’ll say goodbye to someone then immediately start walking the same way as them. Awkward!